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May 11, 1999
I don't know what it is
that my heart wants to say
but I know it's yelling
in some tone I can't decipher
Every now and then
I understand a phrase or two
and I can apply
these new clues
to the puzzle of my direction.
Why you've chosen
to uncover so many small mysteries
in the recent hours and days and weeks
I do not understand.
Why you wait
Why you hurry
I can not comprehend.
No longer
can I live
with the philosophy that
"If I get beyond this stage"
or the "Well, someday when I'm not so tied up"
way of existence.
There will always be a now
that I'm dysfunctional in
and a lazy dream of brighter days with the wear of time.
I will not long for the
"good ole days".
I will not lay idle
waiting for time and chance
to even out my reckless spots.
While I will dream
of the promises you made
that "someday" will be fulfilled,
and while I will prepare
to be ready for the stages and challenges of life,
Today will be my mission,
my stomping ground,
my definer.
I'm learning more and more
in the strangest ways
that if I can't be somewhere else, if I can't be someone else, if I
can't be in some other time, if I can't change what's done, if I can't
predict the future, or alter God's plan,
I may as well,
and in fact would be wicked not to,
squeeze every drop of ability
from what I have
here and now.
Letting go,
and grabbing hold
all at once.
Learning when to be abstract
and when to be logical.
Learning when to be quiet
and when to be flamboyant.
Learning what's worthwhile,
what is not,
and the ways that Satan deceives me about these two conditions.
I've been so convinced
that if I just follow my heart...
but I'm learning as well,
that even my heart deceives me at times...
So Spirit,
minister to me
in some manner:
and I pray I'll have the wisdom to discern
what faucet to heed.
I'm tired of tripping on my own garbage and darkness,
I'll go where you lead,
I'll step where you tell me to,
I'll let down my nets,
when you say it's time.
You're catching me,
and I'm catching freedom.
I just hope,
now that I've caught it again,
it won't slip or writhe or fall
from my hands.
The rocky waters find me,
even in the deepest waters of faith.
But here and now,
day to day,
moment by moment,
minister to me,
tell me where and when and who,
and I'll go.
You just tell me where to drop those nets-
I'm listening the best I know how.

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