Iíve been too... something...
Iím not sure what the word is,
but when I find it, itíll be perfect.
Iíve been too much of that,
and Iím thankful that Iím finally starting to
feel more like me.
I was in Amberís room the other day,
and there it was!
All that Iíve been all too often these days....
but it was in a picture.
It was a lace white water fall
crashing straight like fine blonde hair
down the side of a heather gray cliff.
There were moss and ferns and trees and all sorts of green things
like curtains everywhere framing.
It plummeted straight into
a pool of hazy blue and it was just like a dictionary in motion.
I pointed mid sentence -
"That! Thatís what I feel like"
I was referring to the colors,
the isolated setting,
the calm sense created from a chaotic fall of water,
the cut of blunt rocks that seem surprisingly warm,
and the way it all glowed with the hum of the screen.
"Beautiful? You feel beautiful?"
I was puzzled by this,
as if Iíd expected her to read my mind,
to understand what I meant,
even though I canít find the word on tip of my own tongue.
"No." I said neutrally.
"No... not beautiful."
Could she know I was missing that adjective as of late?
It was a situation to shrug at,
and store in one of those hyper-sensitive regions of my mind.
But when I think about it now,
always writing of negatives, instead of the blessings Christ gives,
theyíre still just a picture and an undefined word,
but I wonder if....
If theyíre real,
if theyíre me,
if theyíre unique,
if theyíre a stage I was destined to conquer,
then I guess in some way,
the way that everything changes every moment I borrow breath,
that it could be beautiful,
if I let it.