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October, 1999
Iíve been too... something...
Iím not sure what the word is,
but when I find it, itíll be perfect.
Iíve been too much of that,
and Iím thankful that Iím finally starting to
feel more like me.
I was in Amberís room the other day,
and there it was!
The word...
All that Iíve been all too often these days....
but it was in a picture.
It was a lace white water fall
crashing straight like fine blonde hair
down the side of a heather gray cliff.
There were moss and ferns and trees and all sorts of green things
like curtains everywhere framing.
It plummeted straight into
a pool of hazy blue and it was just like a dictionary in motion.
I pointed mid sentence -
"That! Thatís what I feel like"
I was referring to the colors,
the water,
the green,
the isolated setting,
the calm sense created from a chaotic fall of water,
the cut of blunt rocks that seem surprisingly warm,
and the way it all glowed with the hum of the screen.
"Beautiful? You feel beautiful?"
She inquired.
I was puzzled by this,
as if Iíd expected her to read my mind,
to understand what I meant,
my view,
even though I canít find the word on tip of my own tongue.
"No." I said neutrally.
"No... not beautiful."
Could she know I was missing that adjective as of late?
It was a situation to shrug at,
and store in one of those hyper-sensitive regions of my mind.
But when I think about it now,
my behavior,
my feelings,
my attitudes,
always writing of negatives, instead of the blessings Christ gives,
my disposition,
theyíre still just a picture and an undefined word,
but I wonder if....
If theyíre real,
if theyíre me,
if theyíre unique,
if theyíre a stage I was destined to conquer,
then I guess in some way,
the way that everything changes every moment I borrow breath,
that it could be beautiful,
if I let it.

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