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Fall, 1998
It seems as though
I fall at a constant pace
never getting ahead
in this external race

Never finding the answer
to the questions I can't say
Never hearing the message
that saves my rainy days

I take joy in the small things
in the sun, in the trees, in a song
but my mind keeps on turning
and pushes my worry along

and advice clouds my world
when all I want is peace
all I want is the truth
and a door for release

I am not beyond working
for the treasure I seek
my weak patience is waning
every day, every week

every turn of the world
every logical plan
every push from without
drives me further from man

to the point where I'm drowning
in the thoughts of my head
I have choked on the fury
and they've left me for dead

The advice, the arrangements
that attempt at my aide
add only more voices
to the storm that they've made

There's a terrible wind
of opinions and facts
that is screaming inside me
Can I ever look back?

Can my mind ever open
the message for me?
The personal way
should be easy to see

My heart has been foiled
by life's Lessons and Mind
such redemption is hidden
in a place They can't find.

My abundant Grey-Matter
cannot stand through the wind,
cannot break from the fury,
alone, cannot win.

Still I struggle for answers
through my body and life:
It's too hard to consider
letting God end my strife.

Though I know he can do it,
and I know that he cares,
it's hard to imagine,
he would hear my small prayers.

Are my pleas even worthy
of his time, of his grace?
Am I asking unjustly,
for the wrong time or place?

The one thing I know
is this pain is so real
and I can't just ignore it,
can't ignore how I feel.

At a loss for reaction-
not sure what to do-
when I say you can do it,
when I'm leaning on you.

Does that mean I should sit here
and await my request?
Will it knock on my door, Lord?
Will it sit on my step?

Or do I go and attempt
to attain what I've lost,
and assume you will grant me
to be repaid my cost.

Do I sit, stand, or sleep?
Do I run, try, or fight?
Which action will bring
rest to my sleepless nights?

My problems are sundry
and each one unique:
Some simple decisions,
Some show nothing to seek.

I am so overwhelmed
by the choices in hand,
what the world has told me,
what I've gathered from man.

So for now gracious father,
I'll continue to pray-
though I'm losing my grip
in the wind where I sway.

I will cast all my burdens
to your feet on the cross
and (I hope) through your will
to peruse what I've lost.

I will run, I will try
I will do all I can,
but with power from you,
not the power of man.

Seems as though I am now
where I started before.
In this trial I am troding
in and out the same door.

But I'm gritting my teeth
and I'm holding on tight.
If I keep seeking you-
I will soon get it right..

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